Why Has My Online Presence
Been Sporadic –
Matters of the Heart

Those readers who have followed me from my other blogs, The Success Breakthrough, I Am Melody-Rose, Team MPower, know that as a rule I write blogs and connect with friends on social networks almost daily. I haven’t been following this pattern the last few months and have left messages online about spending time in self-care. I feel it’s about time to share with you the whole story.

Tolen’s Stroke Set the Stage

My brother of choice, best friend, roommate of over 25 years, business partner, and fellow journeyer, had a stroke in August, 2012. We were very blessed because we have successfully used Machaelle Small Wright’s Emergency Medical Assistance Program process for other emergencies, so we had a tool that we knew was effective in stabilizing and supporting his body. But, I can’t over-estimate the emotional fallout from having the person in your primary relationship be hospitalized with serious health issues, let alone the changes that had to be made as it became clear that he would never be able to work again because of cognitive challenges. This was a huge shift of his way of life; it was a huge shift in the household.

Mysterious Heart Rhythms

As we negotiated this new way of being with each other and all the large and small matters of health care, doctor’s visits, disability insurance forms and interviews, both of us being at home all of the time, life seemed to settle down. So, at the Autumnal Equinox while I did gratitude prayers for the many blessings of Tolen’s recovery and for our wonderful home and family, I felt at ease when I felt new transformational energies enter my crown chakra, cascading down my body.

Since I was electrocuted in 1999 and do have residual nervous system glitches that I’ve learned to compensate for over the years, I focus on supporting my body when new energies come in. What I was finding was that these new energies didn’t seem to integrate as smoothly as I would have liked. This pattern culminated in me letting Tolen know one October evening that I was going to lay down and rest. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I thought my heart was going to rip itself from my chest. It’s beat was so erratic and unstable. I phoned the heart specialist, who I’ve been working with on and off since my electrocution, who said these were palpitations and that I should go to the ER and have my heart checked out. When the ER folk did an EKG, they decided to put me in the hospital for tests because they found my heart basically was out of rhythm.

I could go into the drama of what that one week in the hospital was like, but suffice it to say that while the medical staff knew my heart was out of the normal rhythm they expected to see in their tests, they couldn’t find any medical cause for the rhythm pattern, had no idea what triggered it, and the medication they gave me didn’t particularly help all that much. So, I left the hospital and learned to work around the issues and get on with life, not paying too much attention to when the rhythms were off. After all, I had a family, home, and people to care for.

Mysterious Heart Rhythms II

Around this time, I started working again with SARK, the visionary artist and author, in her writer’s support program, WINS. I was bound and determined to complete my first book under her mentorship. After all, Tolen and friends and clients had nagged me to write my book for over 25 years. So, I began my journey as an author of books with SARK. On and off throughout class, we worked on blocks to letting creativity flow. For writer’s this is often termed, “writer’s block.” We learned how to take care of ourselves – not only taking hot bubble baths and resting when we are tired, but listening to our  Inner Wise Selves, building up that relationship so that we could deal with the voices of our Inner Critics, who had gotten totally out of hand, but needed to be heard. As I continued making baby steps with SARK holding my hand, I realized that underneath this mysterious heart rhythm issue were memories of times when I felt heartbroken.

Why We Don’t Admit to Having Problems

As coaches, we are urged by mentors who want to see us be successful never to admit to having problems, weaknesses, doubts, fears, and so on. I guess this coaching comes under the auspices of, “No one will believe you can help him/her if they know you have unsolved challenges yourself.” I’ve always found this pattern to be very sad and not particularly helpful, because when I got to know some of these stars personally, I realized that one law of attraction superstar is broke most of the time; a famous relationship coaching couple cheats on each other; a well-known teacher doesn’t believe that what he teaches works.

If these folk had presented themselves in all of their humanity, it would have been very powerful. It seems to me that we do a disservice to our audiences by not embracing our humanness and talking about it. After all, if being a teacher and coach actually meant that one had to be perfect before performing these services, there would be no teachers or coaches. I even had a client tell me once, “Only someone like you can make this teaching work.” That’s why I share where I am and how I use what I’m learning to make progress. That’s why I told this client where I was when I started using the tool and how it helped me. That’s why I love SARK’s approach and find it so affirming. She, too,  actually admits to being in the “messy middle.” She let us know when she was emotional, lost her temper, woke up with bad hair.

Journey into Heartbreak

Because SARK’s example encourages me to be even more authentic in sharing who I am with you, I am going to start talking about my journey where I explore heartbreak and moving on from heartbreak. It’s so I can be honest with you about what I’m up to when I’m offline. Some of you are going to recognize some of the people and circumstances I’m going to talk about from your own life. You are going to say, “Yeah. My folks said that.” “My brother hated me, too.” “The love of my life left me, and nothing felt the same again.” But, even more importantly, you will see the story of a woman who kept moving throughout it all, who never lost hope completely, who always knew that something that felt better was around the corner.

My New Primary Relationship

Please know that in 2014 I made a solemn promise to my body to improve my relationship with her as part of my healing. This means I do and probably will continue to take time outs for self-care. The emotional content that is coming up still feels quite painful at times. But, what I’m noticing is that when I allow these energies to express, there’s a feeling of more spaciousness around my heart. I have less chest pain. My heart is dancing instead of jerking to its new rhythms.

Invitation

I invite you to join me on this leg of my Transcendent Journey, where we start exploring matters of the heart. I would love for you to leave comments, to dialogue, to let me know what you have been stuffing so that you could maintain, what you want to express if you felt okay about it.  Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey.